God, I'm feeling less and less confident about this deal with Alex. I'm not certain Alex wants to live with me. Its not a big deal, but its important to me. I hide my disappointment from Alex, really because she has enough to think about and work through without having to worry about me.
God, you are my rock and foundation and you have big plans for me. Whatever they may be. You have this process all in your hands, holding me.
I might be supoenad for her upcoming court date. I'm nervous about that, because I don't want my credentials questioned. I can only imagine the questions they could be asking me in front of everyone. It would be so easy to make a mockery of me in court.
"Do you have a house?"-- Not yet
"How old are you?"-- 23
"What experience do you have with children?"-- I am currently a case manager, and I did two summers of summer camp. I also have experience being a foster youth.
"Are you a certified foster parent?"-- Not yet.
"How long have you known Alex?" -- 2 years
"Do you think that you are the best solution for Alex?... Thats the question I get stopped on. Am I the best solution? I sure as heck should be certain by time her court dates come on May 3rd and 6th. God, I can provide permanency and stability for Alex. I can give Alex what she needs as far as a future is concerned.
God I'm worried that people will confuse my questioning as doubt at my capabilities. I have no doubt that I can do this with you by my side. I have the resources and support system necessary to raise Joy. Is it raising if she's already 14? I often feel like Lisa raised me, and I moved in with her at 16. Yes, I'll need help and guidance, but what parent doesn't? What parent has everything completely undercontrol. I know a lot of parents, and I've never met one that has it 100% together.
God, I rest easy because I know you're in charge :-)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
No pressure...
This was the post that started it all...
Alright no pressure... I'll just update when I can. Usually I can hammer out a post within 10 minutes. I miss xanga, because I love writing my thoughts down. I don't do very much editing, and although it would be cool to have followers... I don't have the time or drive to write about a specialized topic. One day.
I could write about my everyday wanderings as a first time case manager. I'm still new... and I've got a looooonnng way to go!
I started being a case manager on June 18th, 2009. There have been plenty of ups and downs.
I've been pretty proud of my clean desk these past few months. Usually I'm such a messy marvin! My room right now is in shambles and once I make the move to a smaller room, it will probably be even worse. Anyway, my desk. I know that I cannot work in a messy, cluttered, and unorganized space. I like having the capacity to spread out, and cleaning my desk is kind of therapeutic, like putting my stress away for the next day. I still worry about my work and I have melt downs (another post).
A clean desk is a breath of fresh air to me, even my desk in my room is pretty clean. I'm constantly changing my organizational structure though. I can never find the system that works for a long period of time. I put in new folders or I take folders away. Sometimes I'll use the file tier dealio with 5 shelves, and right now I'm using a wire frame that holds folders vertically. Well to tell you the truth I'm using both. I like it. and it makes those omnious piles of paper go away! Those are a mess, usally once a month I have to sit down and go through a pile.
I just realized that, maybe in the grand scheme of things, writing about my desk composition isn't the most interesting material out there, but to get my job you gotta understand the way I think.
Alright no pressure... I'll just update when I can. Usually I can hammer out a post within 10 minutes. I miss xanga, because I love writing my thoughts down. I don't do very much editing, and although it would be cool to have followers... I don't have the time or drive to write about a specialized topic. One day.
I could write about my everyday wanderings as a first time case manager. I'm still new... and I've got a looooonnng way to go!
I started being a case manager on June 18th, 2009. There have been plenty of ups and downs.
I've been pretty proud of my clean desk these past few months. Usually I'm such a messy marvin! My room right now is in shambles and once I make the move to a smaller room, it will probably be even worse. Anyway, my desk. I know that I cannot work in a messy, cluttered, and unorganized space. I like having the capacity to spread out, and cleaning my desk is kind of therapeutic, like putting my stress away for the next day. I still worry about my work and I have melt downs (another post).
A clean desk is a breath of fresh air to me, even my desk in my room is pretty clean. I'm constantly changing my organizational structure though. I can never find the system that works for a long period of time. I put in new folders or I take folders away. Sometimes I'll use the file tier dealio with 5 shelves, and right now I'm using a wire frame that holds folders vertically. Well to tell you the truth I'm using both. I like it. and it makes those omnious piles of paper go away! Those are a mess, usally once a month I have to sit down and go through a pile.
I just realized that, maybe in the grand scheme of things, writing about my desk composition isn't the most interesting material out there, but to get my job you gotta understand the way I think.
How I wanted to become a social worker
My decision to go into social work was one that I fought. I wanted to be, in the following order: an Equine Vet, lawyer, Supreme Court Justice, pastor and art therapist. I was done with foster care, in fact, and I planned to never look back. It was time for me to move forward and try new things, and helping people in the fields of justice or healing or spirituality were where I felt lead. My talents and passions were needed elsewhere. Its been a few years since the epic battle was fought and won, and I do not remember where exactly I felt the call to become a social worker in none other field than foster care, but I know that I was influenced by some of the social workers in my own experiences as a foster child, then foster teenager, then foster college student.
I entered foster care when I was eight years old, and nobody thought that a lifetime would pass before I was able to finally heal from everything that life had handed me. It wasn’t until I was 16 and in my final foster home that I was able to make sense of whom I was, a human being with values and good qualities that some foster parents must have missed. So by this point, there was no good in the system. It never did anything for me except for hurt me and tear me apart. I know that no one’s intentions specified this for my life and there were plenty of good people in my life, but somehow I slipped through the cracks. Since I was 16 and more than likely “aging-out” of the system, I was eligible for Independent Living Services (IL). I wanted nothing to do with it, and there was no way it was going to help me in life. I did not have the foundation for thinking it would.
One of my foster sisters, who had graduated from the first portion of IL, invited me to a picnic in a park. Maybe it was a summer day with nothing planned, or maybe it was the promise of free food that enticed me to come out and join my foster sisters. It was by no means committing myself to any program that the agency had to offer. However, it was not long before I was speaking with the IL coordinator, and getting excited about what they had to offer me. After a begrudging and embarrassed, “ok…” I began the life skills classes. The IL coordinators and case managers were actually interested in me as a person. One thing that stood out for me was that they were always proud of my decisions and supported me whole-heartedly. It was almost as if they understood that even though I was a product of a lot of pain and hurt, I was still someone capable of doing great things in my life. That is exactly how I felt too, and there was no mountain too high or river too deep that my cheerleaders and I would refuse to cross together. I aged out of care when I was 21, then I graduated with a B.A. in Sociology when I was 22.
Those social workers turned cheerleaders were a huge part of why I wanted to be a social worker. They saw something in me that I knew was there. Its one thing to be self-aware, but it’s a different feeling entirely to be supported and encouraged on that journey. It is certainly helpful when I fall to have them there to pick me back up. I am a social worker because I can see the good that I can do in the lives of my youth. If my social workers were able to bring out so much in me, even though they were never in care, then imagine how much more powerful it is to have a dedicated social worker who actually understands you.
the opposite of my post on working with people
ugh, so I wrote that this morning after some good quiet time with God. Now, I think that in being radical, I gotta be totally honest with you folks.
Today was one of my worst on record. I just could not re-cooperate once I started working on this one visitation plan for a family... which was a nightmare and I hate it.
I was angry all day, productive but angry.
I didn't want to work with people, I didn't want to love them, in fact I very innocently put-- hated them.
strong words, strong words I know! How is it that after asking for grace and love and patience... I totally lose my cool? Well God gave me opportunities to show grace and love and patience today, and i just couldn't handle it. I just couldn't keep it together.
Talking about it helps, instead of letting it bolster up inside of you. Praying really just got me angrier because I couldn't focus on it or even let the words feel sincere.
One of my coworkers suggested that I ask to be transferred. Yes, its very tempting, however I think that its my first tough case, and I need to work it out. I can at least say that with a straight mind. It can be done.
Anyway, just an update on my practise of radical love. Maybe I should try being a little less radical and a bit more practical? (nah)
Today was one of my worst on record. I just could not re-cooperate once I started working on this one visitation plan for a family... which was a nightmare and I hate it.
I was angry all day, productive but angry.
I didn't want to work with people, I didn't want to love them, in fact I very innocently put-- hated them.
strong words, strong words I know! How is it that after asking for grace and love and patience... I totally lose my cool? Well God gave me opportunities to show grace and love and patience today, and i just couldn't handle it. I just couldn't keep it together.
Talking about it helps, instead of letting it bolster up inside of you. Praying really just got me angrier because I couldn't focus on it or even let the words feel sincere.
One of my coworkers suggested that I ask to be transferred. Yes, its very tempting, however I think that its my first tough case, and I need to work it out. I can at least say that with a straight mind. It can be done.
Anyway, just an update on my practise of radical love. Maybe I should try being a little less radical and a bit more practical? (nah)
Working with people... 3/2/2010
My job consists of two main components:
A) paper work to cover ourselves and liability.
and
B) working with people.
I will talk about the ins and outs of paperwork another day. So does working with people mean that I am a people person. Well yes, you have to be a people person for this job. When you are working with families there is a level of interpersonal connections one needs to master with each client before true trust and groundwork can be laid. If I can't empathize for my clients, and heck even my coworkers, I will ultimately not be able to do my job. Sometimes empathy can seem a bit fake at first. Sometimes I have tell myself, "Babs, in order for this client to accept your guidance, they have feel that you understand them, and in essence you have to." There is very little room for generalizations in this stage. Each client has a story to tell, and it is very meaningful and important to them. If I go into my job, and I don't validate their feelings, then its going to be a tug of war.
However, I'm not perfect and there are days and even weeks (like this past 1.5 weeks) that I just don't feel like negotiating with anyone. In a utopia society, I would be able to do all of the people to people interactions I want, and defer the negotiating, directing of visitations, and paperwork to a detail oriented coworker. This probably won't happen in my life time, and mind you I'm only 8ish months on the job, my first job ever... thats a long time.
I could tell that I was not on my game with God these past few days, because there were more than a few times that those choice words were spoken under my breath, and even more times where I down right, stubbornly refused to want to negotiate.
Today though, I seem to be a bit more able to comprehend God's love and guidance.
So, in the book of James, (which a great book to learn and memorize in chunks) he talks about character a lot.
My dear brothers, take not of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to be angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. James 1:19-21.
Such a small chunk of scripture, so much ooey goodness. Every time I felt angry this past week, I just felt a total lack of love for my clients. I was cursing (not at them) when something didn't go right. I was unable to listen to them objectively. Its not the righteousness that God or I for that matter want to display in this job. I started this job wanting to be radical in how I love my clients and their families. I yearn for God's presence in all that I do.
The more I allow myself to stubbornly get angry the more immature in my job I feel. So moral filth that I'm going to throw away to begin with is cursing. Cursing does not do anyone any good, its not professional, and it makes me feel ickier when I do it. Also, the more I do it the more likely its going to slip out into an awkward situation. Lastly, and most importantly... cursing my clients is like treating them less human. Like I don't respect them. Its not showing God's love to them. Does God curse under his breath when he's working on my life? There are a lot of times when he's more than a little less amused at my antics.
Second Thought, 1 peter, although I haven't read it like James, this verse when meditated on is so touching.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it whould be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4.
Once again, meditate on this scripture let it speak to you. I want a quiet and gentle spirit, because its true... those qualities are unfading. Gold will tarnish and fibers will disentegrate. When I work with the people I come across in my job, whats going to be more valuable to them? Would they rather a case manager who looks fashionable? or a case manager who will sit with them in the ugliest of situations and just be there, an unfading beautiful presence. This just in (random though whilst writing this), we can't see God. He's gentle and quiet, yet to so many he's unfading and beautiful.
In our culture beauty if synomous with worth. When I think about this verse I usually start it with "your beauty {and worth}..." Does that make the beauty Peter is talking about even more meaningful? For me, beauty has become vain and shallow, I don't really connect with it because, I've always looked inside for my beauty (there are times where this falters of course). But when I think of beauty in line with worth, it makes it more potent to me.
God, today help me to be quiet and gentle with the people I work with. Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to be angry. I've been struggling with these values a lot lately, help me to focus on you then because it is clear that I cannot do this on my own. Help me be radical in all that I do.
There's your daily cup of Joe,
Love,
Babs
Triggers (3/4/2010)
Triggers
We all have them, some remind you of home, such as apple pie or mash potatoes, or even a really good cup of coffee. Some triggers will remind you of a person; your grandmother, your best friend. There are those triggers that bring you back to another time, some of those times have left a metally taste in your mouth.
I have used my triggers to give me new perspective on an otherwise negative history. I'm able to recollect feelings and memories, and they help me sort of freeze frame the memory and look at it from another point of view or understanding.
I had to move a child from their foster home last Wednesday. Last week I was doing well with work, and emotionally was a little more on top of things. This week in general has been a nightmare, so emotionally I was a little more tired and less able to fend for my feelings. This week meant that I was less able to stop myself from triggering. As I moved the rest of her things last night, and I had to meet with that foster parent one last time (hopefully), I couldn't help but think, "Huh, I wonder if my case managers felt the same hot, frustrated anger and ill-will towards my foster parents." I ususally have a harder time seeing things from my case managers' point of views. I'm curious now as to how they might have thought or felt as they were weaving themselves throughout my life. Or was it the otherway around? Since its my timeline and my life, I was probably weaving through theirs. (thats neither here nor there, and well what came first? the chicken or the egg...).
A few days ago, a friend and I were talking about our weeks. I told her that I thought I did a good job of not projecting my past experiences onto to the foster parents I currently work with. That I'm able to take them as individuals. I so badly wanted to yell at this foster parent yesterday. To storm in and take out all of my past pain onto her. (Thankfully, I didn't, it would have been more trouble than it was worth).
God, what are you trying to teach me? Why is this week so hard? I've had to get up waaaay early all this week, and manage my week around a million of factors. I had to negotiate this crazy visitation schedule, which is another thing I have to add to my weekly schedule. This definitely isn't my first tough spell, but its hit me the hardest. God, I'm torn between thinking that this is normal for a first time job. Kind of like the normal ebb and flow of working. All of my friends have hit these spots as we've adjusted to the real work away from Arcadia-land. God, I ask for grace in all that I do. Love my clients well, and love them in ways that I cannot at this moment. Help me discern the best ways to help them, whether it is to hold their hand through the process or being a little more assertive. God calm my broken spirit. I thank you for making me in a way that allows me to start each day with a new heart, a new start. Each day is started pretty much afresh. Now if only I could make that an hourly thing :-p
Babs
PLC for Alex? (written 8/27/2009)
*sigh*
what an overwhelming feeling... to know I could be a foster parent in as little as 3 months (which is how long it would take for me to get my act together)... if my car is fixed for at least a little while... I wouldn't have to worry about a car payment.
I make more than Lisa does.. .and she does fine with the kids.
I don't know how much she has to pay for her house though.
In some strange way I'm still caught in the middle because I think God is leading me to this place, but I think I'm just being impulsive.
I don't want to lose Alex... its odd because I get so connected to some of the foster youth who pass through Lisa's house. The ones with the most fight in them because they've lost so much, or have been hurt too much.
I remember Ashley... We got close too... and then she just split. When she was 18, she just split because the pressures of this world. I don't think I ever talked to her about God... It was always --- let me handle it ashley... Let lisa and I take care of you.
I'm so scared to take Alex in... it would change my life forever! Its like 24/hour surveillance! haha, exactly why I don't want a baby! Would I still be able to do YAB? Would I still be able to do consultant work? What would she do over the summer? I could leave her at Lisa's so that she can do camp? There's families that do that... right?
Philadelphia has its own pitfalls, but I came to Philadelphia to do missions work (which I suck at right now)...Can I do that with a 13 year old? How would I keep her out of trouble? I can only jam down her throat so many extra-curriculars. I could probably kiss dating goodbye... the situations are only too awkward to describe.
She's definitely more of a little sister, but older sisters have watched over their siblings before.
God, are you calling me to this? Is this my cross? Is this what I am to do for at least the next 6 years of my life? Her and I could become some sort of advocating team! Three years down the road when I've prepped her to do my bidding, she could be my child star! You know I'm joking about that, what if she doesn't want to do it? Do I lay down my dreams for her own? She doesn't believe in you... yet... and maybe she never will.
Surely, you aren't asking me to be a foster parent just to make a good example or be a role-model for other foster parents. Everyone has different parenting styles.
Anyway I probably should get some work done, not a good time to lay all this emotion on me at once God :-p
peaceBabs<3
what an overwhelming feeling... to know I could be a foster parent in as little as 3 months (which is how long it would take for me to get my act together)... if my car is fixed for at least a little while... I wouldn't have to worry about a car payment.
I make more than Lisa does.. .and she does fine with the kids.
I don't know how much she has to pay for her house though.
In some strange way I'm still caught in the middle because I think God is leading me to this place, but I think I'm just being impulsive.
I don't want to lose Alex... its odd because I get so connected to some of the foster youth who pass through Lisa's house. The ones with the most fight in them because they've lost so much, or have been hurt too much.
I remember Ashley... We got close too... and then she just split. When she was 18, she just split because the pressures of this world. I don't think I ever talked to her about God... It was always --- let me handle it ashley... Let lisa and I take care of you.
I'm so scared to take Alex in... it would change my life forever! Its like 24/hour surveillance! haha, exactly why I don't want a baby! Would I still be able to do YAB? Would I still be able to do consultant work? What would she do over the summer? I could leave her at Lisa's so that she can do camp? There's families that do that... right?
Philadelphia has its own pitfalls, but I came to Philadelphia to do missions work (which I suck at right now)...Can I do that with a 13 year old? How would I keep her out of trouble? I can only jam down her throat so many extra-curriculars. I could probably kiss dating goodbye... the situations are only too awkward to describe.
She's definitely more of a little sister, but older sisters have watched over their siblings before.
God, are you calling me to this? Is this my cross? Is this what I am to do for at least the next 6 years of my life? Her and I could become some sort of advocating team! Three years down the road when I've prepped her to do my bidding, she could be my child star! You know I'm joking about that, what if she doesn't want to do it? Do I lay down my dreams for her own? She doesn't believe in you... yet... and maybe she never will.
Surely, you aren't asking me to be a foster parent just to make a good example or be a role-model for other foster parents. Everyone has different parenting styles.
Anyway I probably should get some work done, not a good time to lay all this emotion on me at once God :-p
peaceBabs<3
"the Joy of parenting" dated 2/16/2010
psssssh. I didn't even graduate from college a year ago. I was not thinking of parenting. Yeah now I'm a little more appreciative of little kids since my most recent living arrangements, but they still kind of make me feel incapable, and they know how to push your buttons.
The summer of 2008 was a great summer. I was interning at the Child Welfare Training Program, and I was living at home for once. I felt all grown up and the like. Except for it was the summer of the $4 gallons of gas, and I had a 40 minute commute (totally worth it!). Everyday I had to convince myself that I was not single-handedly bringing the wrath of global warming down onto our great earth. It was like drinking a cool glass of water when those gas prices went down.
Since I was living at home I was connecting or reconnecting with my siblings and family. Once you get to know my family a bit more, you'll understand and probably even sympathize with the disconnect.
My home is with my last foster mother. She's great and I love her very much. She's authoritarian, but I still love her, because I know that in her own way she's got my back. I will fall a lot of times, and she will catch me and then hold on tight while she's scolding me into a respectable adult.
Weird, during that summer I connected well with one of my foster sisters. I loved watching her grow and make something of herself. It was hard to watch the pressures on her life, continually dragging her back down. Imagine a conveyor belt... She's running in the opposite direction, so not only is she fighting the conveyor belt, she's fighting the mechanical arms that are clinging to her and pulling her away from where's headed. She turned 18 and went AWOL, back to a life that might someday kill her. That was our take on the situation then. I haven't heard much from her then, but she's still alive and doing meh... I guess okay.
Later on in the summer, a new girl arrived. Why do I always fall for the deep, complicated souls? We connected well, even though she has a very interesting take on life. I remember us talking about adoption, for some reason she liked me and thought I was cool enough for her trust. She asked me if I would adopt her. I was only going to be a Junior the following fall, and I sheepishly thought, sure we'll think about it. I don't know if she remembers that conversation. I don't even know what I mean to her, am I family? or am I an asset?
Whatever it is, she and I are definitely in for the long haul. I've been praying and discerning over this since August of 2009. (its now february 2010). Should I, a single 23 year old take in this 14 year old, who very kindly is full of spirit? Keep in mind, I don't have a place yet, I'm saving my money for that. Also, I'm an entry wager, so money which is so new to me, is now going to be even tighter than it was while I was growing up!
I'm beyond the point of no return. My pastor said that I would know if this is What God wants, when she's in my home and care. So what is God preparing me for? Read on as I travel down this road. YOu'll get to read my revelations, preparations and meltdowns along the way. You can be a support or even just an eyewitness to absolute craziness.
If you're here to tell me that I can do it, or maybe that I shouldn't... leave your comments to yourself. I'm moving forward with it one way or another. It may not happen, but I'm definitely set on it. I want advice and support on how to make it through this. There's too much I'm banking on for self-doubt (I produce that naturally thank you very much) and step backs. Unless a family magically appears and is a right fit for , I'm going in. Loving her until the end, through the ups and downs.
May the force be with you,
lovingly
Babs
The summer of 2008 was a great summer. I was interning at the Child Welfare Training Program, and I was living at home for once. I felt all grown up and the like. Except for it was the summer of the $4 gallons of gas, and I had a 40 minute commute (totally worth it!). Everyday I had to convince myself that I was not single-handedly bringing the wrath of global warming down onto our great earth. It was like drinking a cool glass of water when those gas prices went down.
Since I was living at home I was connecting or reconnecting with my siblings and family. Once you get to know my family a bit more, you'll understand and probably even sympathize with the disconnect.
My home is with my last foster mother. She's great and I love her very much. She's authoritarian, but I still love her, because I know that in her own way she's got my back. I will fall a lot of times, and she will catch me and then hold on tight while she's scolding me into a respectable adult.
Weird, during that summer I connected well with one of my foster sisters. I loved watching her grow and make something of herself. It was hard to watch the pressures on her life, continually dragging her back down. Imagine a conveyor belt... She's running in the opposite direction, so not only is she fighting the conveyor belt, she's fighting the mechanical arms that are clinging to her and pulling her away from where's headed. She turned 18 and went AWOL, back to a life that might someday kill her. That was our take on the situation then. I haven't heard much from her then, but she's still alive and doing meh... I guess okay.
Later on in the summer, a new girl arrived. Why do I always fall for the deep, complicated souls? We connected well, even though she has a very interesting take on life. I remember us talking about adoption, for some reason she liked me and thought I was cool enough for her trust. She asked me if I would adopt her. I was only going to be a Junior the following fall, and I sheepishly thought, sure we'll think about it. I don't know if she remembers that conversation. I don't even know what I mean to her, am I family? or am I an asset?
Whatever it is, she and I are definitely in for the long haul. I've been praying and discerning over this since August of 2009. (its now february 2010). Should I, a single 23 year old take in this 14 year old, who very kindly is full of spirit? Keep in mind, I don't have a place yet, I'm saving my money for that. Also, I'm an entry wager, so money which is so new to me, is now going to be even tighter than it was while I was growing up!
I'm beyond the point of no return. My pastor said that I would know if this is What God wants, when she's in my home and care. So what is God preparing me for? Read on as I travel down this road. YOu'll get to read my revelations, preparations and meltdowns along the way. You can be a support or even just an eyewitness to absolute craziness.
If you're here to tell me that I can do it, or maybe that I shouldn't... leave your comments to yourself. I'm moving forward with it one way or another. It may not happen, but I'm definitely set on it. I want advice and support on how to make it through this. There's too much I'm banking on for self-doubt (I produce that naturally thank you very much) and step backs. Unless a family magically appears and is a right fit for , I'm going in. Loving her until the end, through the ups and downs.
May the force be with you,
lovingly
Babs
an update that was originally dated 3/2/2010
I started a livejournal, but then things got hectic...
I'm in a state of calm. Things aren't moving forward, and they aren't moving backwards. A calm before a storm perhaps? Yeah, probably...
For a while, I would call Alex (thats the name we chose to call her on Live Journal, for her security) at her foster home, and the conversations just were not as lively as they used to be. Naturally, I thought it was something to do with me. I'd hang up feeling really deflated. Alex and I normally talk really easily, we both have tons to say!
Now our conversations consisted of:
Me: Hey, how are ya? (really excited and glad to talk)
Alex: fine.
Me: How is school? (yep, I totally know that this is a typical parent question)
Alex: good.
Me: sooooo... how are things at home?
Alex: alright.
yeah, excrutiating right? I'm trying to respect the mini conundrum she's in with her current foster parent and me. We've both expressed interest in providing permanency for Alex. I'm not sure I'll ever go into details about that, in respect for the other foster parent.
Fortunately, I was able to hang out with Alex last Saturday and things were back to normal. When I asked her about it, she said that she was uncomfortable speaking on the phone, because sometimes the other foster parent would be in hearing distance. That made a lot more sense and I was excited to hear that it wasn't my fault and that nothing was seriously wrong :-p
In between the phone calls and our hanging out, I was journalling and thinking about it. I was so ready to get all edgy about it. I was frustrated and worried. But then God gently swooped in and said, "Whoa Nelly! There were times when you were ready to turn back, and not go through with this. Now you have to give Alex the same process." I don't have my journal with me, otherwise I'd quote it word for word. I feel much better now about the process. If God wants Alex in my home and in my care, then it will happen in one way or another.
I deeply care about this girl, and its almost more than just being an older sister. Is it motherly? Our dynamics with each other have not been of the mother daughter type. She's my little sister, whom I love (she'd be totally awkwarded out by that btw...). I'm looking foward to caring and "raising" her. As you can probably tell its still a bit weird for me to talk about myself.
Just another step in whatever directions this could go...
Babs<3
I'm in a state of calm. Things aren't moving forward, and they aren't moving backwards. A calm before a storm perhaps? Yeah, probably...
For a while, I would call Alex (thats the name we chose to call her on Live Journal, for her security) at her foster home, and the conversations just were not as lively as they used to be. Naturally, I thought it was something to do with me. I'd hang up feeling really deflated. Alex and I normally talk really easily, we both have tons to say!
Now our conversations consisted of:
Me: Hey, how are ya? (really excited and glad to talk)
Alex: fine.
Me: How is school? (yep, I totally know that this is a typical parent question)
Alex: good.
Me: sooooo... how are things at home?
Alex: alright.
yeah, excrutiating right? I'm trying to respect the mini conundrum she's in with her current foster parent and me. We've both expressed interest in providing permanency for Alex. I'm not sure I'll ever go into details about that, in respect for the other foster parent.
Fortunately, I was able to hang out with Alex last Saturday and things were back to normal. When I asked her about it, she said that she was uncomfortable speaking on the phone, because sometimes the other foster parent would be in hearing distance. That made a lot more sense and I was excited to hear that it wasn't my fault and that nothing was seriously wrong :-p
In between the phone calls and our hanging out, I was journalling and thinking about it. I was so ready to get all edgy about it. I was frustrated and worried. But then God gently swooped in and said, "Whoa Nelly! There were times when you were ready to turn back, and not go through with this. Now you have to give Alex the same process." I don't have my journal with me, otherwise I'd quote it word for word. I feel much better now about the process. If God wants Alex in my home and in my care, then it will happen in one way or another.
I deeply care about this girl, and its almost more than just being an older sister. Is it motherly? Our dynamics with each other have not been of the mother daughter type. She's my little sister, whom I love (she'd be totally awkwarded out by that btw...). I'm looking foward to caring and "raising" her. As you can probably tell its still a bit weird for me to talk about myself.
Just another step in whatever directions this could go...
Babs<3
An Update
I haven't really talked very much about my process with Alex. Its been quiet around here in regards to that. We are still in the process of figuring out what is best for her, and until there are concrete details, there is not much to talk about.
Its been easy to be lulled into a sense of quietness. I've been trying to save my money as much as I can with this mindframe. Its a lack of permanency for me even right now because I don't really know what role I will be playing in the next 6 months. Will I still be the big sister? or will I be a parent? Will I be in the same row home? or will I packing to move... once again? Its like my mind has turned back to the post-college student mindframe. I'm starting to make long term plans again...
I just received an email from her case manager, and I got twangs of nervousness again. Okay, I gotta get back into parent mode. Our last weekend I spent with Alex was a little stressful. I guess I acted too much like I have something to prove, like I had to prove that I can "make" her listen. That hasn't been my approach up to this point at all! I'll tell you what, Alex balked at it. We both left that weekend feeling weary and worn out. I guess I'll need to work on my process a bit more. Once we know for sure whats going to happen, I'm definitely going to start family therapy. I need it in a big way.
I'm definitely ready to start over again with her. If she moves in with me, I want our relationship to be strong and withstanding. I don't want to peter out at the first sign of struggle. That would not be a good thing at all. I promised to be honest as I can be with all of you. So I guess I'll give you a little of my parenting philosophy. Please give me advice :-)
1) I want Alex to be treated the same way I would like to be treated.
2) I want to use methods that leave my integrity and her integrity intact.
3) I want Alex to be able to express herself in creative constructive ways.
4) I want to love Alex unconditionally. She deserves it because she is Alex, and no other reason is necessary.
5) I will keep Alex Busy.
I got most of the above from some books that I've been reading, with the exception of #5. Even though they are great ways of thinking in regards to parenting, I'm still struggling with parenting. I've never parented before and the longest I've spent "watching" a child was as a camp counsellor. I never lost one yet :-) In fact thats where #5 hails from. Camp's premise to a successful week at camp is to keep those buggers as busy as possible. With so much going on, they'll leave with a bundle of memories! There needs to be more of a balance between busyness and rest wth Alex. Although, I do think that children need opportunities to grow and to explore. Oops I mean teenagers :-)
Plain and simple I'm nervous. Can I do it? Granted, God has blessed this process beyond belief, but its going to be hard! The hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.
God, help me to not blow our next weekend with trying too hard. The only person I need to impress is Alex and you. (You first), and well to be fair, I've never wanted to impress Alex. Its been easier to do what I needed to do for her when I wasn't worried about it. God you have her best interest in mind, and I know that you'll take care of her, no matter where she is. God you will also take care of me. I know that since I am struggling to do what is right and what you would want for me to do, that you will overfill my warehouses! (A new car would certainly overflow my room... just saying). If you can, please help the nervousness and insecurities go away. Help me to stand firm in my faith, and to never grow tireed of doing the right thing. Its at least something to aim for.
As usual, I appreciate your listening ear!
Babs<3
Its been easy to be lulled into a sense of quietness. I've been trying to save my money as much as I can with this mindframe. Its a lack of permanency for me even right now because I don't really know what role I will be playing in the next 6 months. Will I still be the big sister? or will I be a parent? Will I be in the same row home? or will I packing to move... once again? Its like my mind has turned back to the post-college student mindframe. I'm starting to make long term plans again...
I just received an email from her case manager, and I got twangs of nervousness again. Okay, I gotta get back into parent mode. Our last weekend I spent with Alex was a little stressful. I guess I acted too much like I have something to prove, like I had to prove that I can "make" her listen. That hasn't been my approach up to this point at all! I'll tell you what, Alex balked at it. We both left that weekend feeling weary and worn out. I guess I'll need to work on my process a bit more. Once we know for sure whats going to happen, I'm definitely going to start family therapy. I need it in a big way.
I'm definitely ready to start over again with her. If she moves in with me, I want our relationship to be strong and withstanding. I don't want to peter out at the first sign of struggle. That would not be a good thing at all. I promised to be honest as I can be with all of you. So I guess I'll give you a little of my parenting philosophy. Please give me advice :-)
1) I want Alex to be treated the same way I would like to be treated.
2) I want to use methods that leave my integrity and her integrity intact.
3) I want Alex to be able to express herself in creative constructive ways.
4) I want to love Alex unconditionally. She deserves it because she is Alex, and no other reason is necessary.
5) I will keep Alex Busy.
I got most of the above from some books that I've been reading, with the exception of #5. Even though they are great ways of thinking in regards to parenting, I'm still struggling with parenting. I've never parented before and the longest I've spent "watching" a child was as a camp counsellor. I never lost one yet :-) In fact thats where #5 hails from. Camp's premise to a successful week at camp is to keep those buggers as busy as possible. With so much going on, they'll leave with a bundle of memories! There needs to be more of a balance between busyness and rest wth Alex. Although, I do think that children need opportunities to grow and to explore. Oops I mean teenagers :-)
Plain and simple I'm nervous. Can I do it? Granted, God has blessed this process beyond belief, but its going to be hard! The hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.
God, help me to not blow our next weekend with trying too hard. The only person I need to impress is Alex and you. (You first), and well to be fair, I've never wanted to impress Alex. Its been easier to do what I needed to do for her when I wasn't worried about it. God you have her best interest in mind, and I know that you'll take care of her, no matter where she is. God you will also take care of me. I know that since I am struggling to do what is right and what you would want for me to do, that you will overfill my warehouses! (A new car would certainly overflow my room... just saying). If you can, please help the nervousness and insecurities go away. Help me to stand firm in my faith, and to never grow tireed of doing the right thing. Its at least something to aim for.
As usual, I appreciate your listening ear!
Babs<3
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Starting Now.
The Last 8 or so months since I've started this position have been a bit blurry. A lot of the mistakes or things that I let slide as a newbie are now catching up to me. I'm seeing how being even a little lazy can affect the family, and the ease of my work in general.
My room-mate suggested that its not laziness as its a lack of polish.
I believe its a little bit of both.
I'm not going to allow myself to feel self-pity or guilt. I'm going to move forward with grace and do the best that I can. In a moment of declaration my Facebook status on 3/22/2010 read, "I'm going to be one of the best damn case managers out there, God please help me and those to whom I serve with a faithful heart. "
I got a lot of replies and encouragement from that status and it really helped to lift me up in my struggle to do my job well.
Obviously the status wasn't a parade to say that I'm going to be better than anyone else. That kind of comment is not my style or my purpose, besides my level of competition is a lousy --15. Even when I played sports as a child, I think that I was more interested in doing the game well than I was interested in winning. I was not athletic, so this did wonders for a sustainable moral. I had a lot of heart tough, and this allowed for me to play with as much tenacity as I could muster. Most of the time, the tenacity hid the lack of athleticism.
I'm learning to desensitize myself to my laziness. I'm slowly becoming more able to make all of my visits, in fact if next week goes well I should be able to make all of them :-). I still have my days, but I'd rather show up super tired than to not show up at all. Its all a part of the process for me. It is definitely different for every person.
I struggle with wanting to save the world, and the foster youth in it. I struggle with wanting to "make it." I don't feel any sense of pride in what I've accomplished in the last 8 months. I usually don't put that sentiment on the things that I do. Yeah graduating college was a huge deal! I'm a part of the 2% club. when I fill out information sheets that ask for my level of education, I can put down: College degree! Its weird not being in limbo anymore: Some college. What kind of answer is that? For four years I've been using that answer.
(My University's diploma is the size of a small shed. No lie. )
Well my proclamation:
God, I know my intentions. You know my intentions. Its hard to live in a world that I'm not a part of. I want more than anything to please you. Help me to be the best case manager I can be. Be with me in this journey. I know that I find grace and forgiveness unconditionally in you, help me find it in myself. Today, help me move forward in my career (funny saying that). I refuse to look back and feel guilty for what I wasn't able to accomplish, so long as I'm moving forward and improving.
Peace!
Babs
My room-mate suggested that its not laziness as its a lack of polish.
I believe its a little bit of both.
I'm not going to allow myself to feel self-pity or guilt. I'm going to move forward with grace and do the best that I can. In a moment of declaration my Facebook status on 3/22/2010 read, "I'm going to be one of the best damn case managers out there, God please help me and those to whom I serve with a faithful heart. "
I got a lot of replies and encouragement from that status and it really helped to lift me up in my struggle to do my job well.
Obviously the status wasn't a parade to say that I'm going to be better than anyone else. That kind of comment is not my style or my purpose, besides my level of competition is a lousy --15. Even when I played sports as a child, I think that I was more interested in doing the game well than I was interested in winning. I was not athletic, so this did wonders for a sustainable moral. I had a lot of heart tough, and this allowed for me to play with as much tenacity as I could muster. Most of the time, the tenacity hid the lack of athleticism.
I'm learning to desensitize myself to my laziness. I'm slowly becoming more able to make all of my visits, in fact if next week goes well I should be able to make all of them :-). I still have my days, but I'd rather show up super tired than to not show up at all. Its all a part of the process for me. It is definitely different for every person.
I struggle with wanting to save the world, and the foster youth in it. I struggle with wanting to "make it." I don't feel any sense of pride in what I've accomplished in the last 8 months. I usually don't put that sentiment on the things that I do. Yeah graduating college was a huge deal! I'm a part of the 2% club. when I fill out information sheets that ask for my level of education, I can put down: College degree! Its weird not being in limbo anymore: Some college. What kind of answer is that? For four years I've been using that answer.
(My University's diploma is the size of a small shed. No lie. )
Well my proclamation:
God, I know my intentions. You know my intentions. Its hard to live in a world that I'm not a part of. I want more than anything to please you. Help me to be the best case manager I can be. Be with me in this journey. I know that I find grace and forgiveness unconditionally in you, help me find it in myself. Today, help me move forward in my career (funny saying that). I refuse to look back and feel guilty for what I wasn't able to accomplish, so long as I'm moving forward and improving.
Peace!
Babs
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saving the World
I've been feeling a lot like a lost cause lately. I haven't gotten a hang of being a social worker yet. I have so much work that is behind. I forget to return phone calls. I'm not as on target with my clients as I should be.
A few weeks ago I found myself in my supervisor's office, telling him that I couldn't do this position. I was telling him that I needed one that I could flourish in. I just couldn't be a social worker without being a liability to my agency. He's been so VERY patient, and un-micro-managing as possible. Basically it was my own guilt at not being able to catch up that made me feel this way.
He said to me, "why didn't you tell me you felt this way?" He told me that he hasn't given up on me, and that if he wanted to fire me, he would have let me know a lot sooner. He wants me to do well and is very invested in my professional development. He also said that if I could learn how to manage my time and tasks a lot better, that I could do this job. He also said that if I can do this job well, then other jobs along the line will not be hard at all.
I guess I kind of felt like me being a former foster child would make me perfect right off the bat. Like I would be a super case manager with all of the answers and tricks to making things work. When in reality, I'm just a right out of college, first time jobber, and ex-terrible student. I'm going to have to grow and be honest about how I'm doing. My mistakes will sound very similar to many of the other people who are in my categories. I'm not super human, I break easily and I tire out quite frequently.
So if I feel guilty, I just need to tell people where I'm at.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Up with the sun!
For the last week and a half I've been in charge of school transportation for one of my clients. Every morning at 7:15 I pick her up to drive her to school, and every afternoon at 3:19, I pick her up and drive her home.
Yeah it really cuts into my day. Even though last week was highly productive, this week is not so much. I'm starting to feel the tiredness and crankiness. I'm usually a night owl so its not in my natural habits to go bed early. In fact, I'm usually able to work it so that I don't have to be in the office until 10am.
There are perks to being up this early though. For one, the day is longer and I'm able to be up with the sun, which is nice and surreal. Okay that is about it.
On Friday, I'm going to take the client on her path via public transportation. I hope that it goes well and that perhaps, I'll be sleeping in a bit more next week ;-)
Babs<3
Yeah it really cuts into my day. Even though last week was highly productive, this week is not so much. I'm starting to feel the tiredness and crankiness. I'm usually a night owl so its not in my natural habits to go bed early. In fact, I'm usually able to work it so that I don't have to be in the office until 10am.
There are perks to being up this early though. For one, the day is longer and I'm able to be up with the sun, which is nice and surreal. Okay that is about it.
On Friday, I'm going to take the client on her path via public transportation. I hope that it goes well and that perhaps, I'll be sleeping in a bit more next week ;-)
Babs<3
Monday, March 8, 2010
Whoa... just whoa
My most prepared for court hearing... and it was a flunk! I'd rather not know anything, and not have an opinion in there, than to stand up for what I believed in again.
Ouch.
Scary talk, scary temporary talk.
I love how the soliciter felt that it was time to question my credentials when he felt it was the best for him. He would not have done it before. There were a lot of holes and I'm sorry that this family just ran out of time.
I can't show my face again, now I look dumb. Now I look like I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah so I'm still new... what misfortune has fallen on this family: A terrible DHS worker and a new/naive private provider agency case manager.
"What is your background?"-- Sociology
"Are you a social worker?"-- No
"are you a certified social worker?"-- No
"Do you have training in drug and alcohol treatment?"-- yeah sort of.
"Do you have training in Sexual Abuse?"-- yeah sort of.
Condescending questions to be sure.
Well I walked in with the best I had, and you know what? I'm going to get better. I'm no longer going to allow my credentials to be questioned. If I don't have credentials, then I'll bring someone who does. I'll make sure I have contact with that treatment facility before hand. I will make certain that the legal parent is in the green before I feel so self-certain again.
I'm surprisingly calm about this, maybe because with last week's record, this is just par for the course. I'm going to pick up and move on. I'm going to get stronger in and out of the courtroom.
Also, once the "verdict" was announced... The legal mother started spouting off! Yelling at the solicitor and dhs worker! The daughter who was in the sidebar room at the time, heard her mother and then she ran out and started yelling at the party! That was intense... They were both crying, there were security guards all over the place now. I ushered the daughter into another room. The mother was ushered out and away from the dhs worker.
I don't know about anything else, but I'm certainly glad I was not that dhs worker, and I'm going to send her an email suggesting she transfer from the case. Its the least I can do after she snidely said "I told you so," when I went to get my things.
All in a days work, All in a days work :-)
Over and Out
Babs
Ouch.
Scary talk, scary temporary talk.
I love how the soliciter felt that it was time to question my credentials when he felt it was the best for him. He would not have done it before. There were a lot of holes and I'm sorry that this family just ran out of time.
I can't show my face again, now I look dumb. Now I look like I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah so I'm still new... what misfortune has fallen on this family: A terrible DHS worker and a new/naive private provider agency case manager.
"What is your background?"-- Sociology
"Are you a social worker?"-- No
"are you a certified social worker?"-- No
"Do you have training in drug and alcohol treatment?"-- yeah sort of.
"Do you have training in Sexual Abuse?"-- yeah sort of.
Condescending questions to be sure.
Well I walked in with the best I had, and you know what? I'm going to get better. I'm no longer going to allow my credentials to be questioned. If I don't have credentials, then I'll bring someone who does. I'll make sure I have contact with that treatment facility before hand. I will make certain that the legal parent is in the green before I feel so self-certain again.
I'm surprisingly calm about this, maybe because with last week's record, this is just par for the course. I'm going to pick up and move on. I'm going to get stronger in and out of the courtroom.
Also, once the "verdict" was announced... The legal mother started spouting off! Yelling at the solicitor and dhs worker! The daughter who was in the sidebar room at the time, heard her mother and then she ran out and started yelling at the party! That was intense... They were both crying, there were security guards all over the place now. I ushered the daughter into another room. The mother was ushered out and away from the dhs worker.
I don't know about anything else, but I'm certainly glad I was not that dhs worker, and I'm going to send her an email suggesting she transfer from the case. Its the least I can do after she snidely said "I told you so," when I went to get my things.
All in a days work, All in a days work :-)
Over and Out
Babs
Friday, March 5, 2010
The week that ended well
This week was a toughie. I made it though. I survived it. I'm alive and intact. How did it end well? For a number of reasons actually:
A) For the next couple of weeks I have to transport one of my clients to school and back to her foster home because she no longer lives in her school's area. The foster parent goes in the way opposite direction to take another child to school. NOT ONCE did I sleep in. Yep, good stuff. I did however put many many miles on my car this week. Despite the obvious time crunch, I was highly productive.
B) That visitation schedule I was ranting about earlier in the week, which was making me so angry I was ready to just ditch the job? Finished and figured out. It will work. Yeah I have some extra driving to do for the next couple of weeks... but guess what- It'll all be okay.
C) Friday (today) was an absolute beautiful day... Poor client from A) had to deal with me being silly and singing in the car. She was trapped with no where to go. Is it unprofessional to sing with a client in the car?
D) The whipped cream to this week was that I was really stressed and nervous and almost scared to have to share this message to one of my Kinship parents. They could no longer go to the supervised visitations because the interactions between them and the biological parents made both parties uncomfortable/angry. I was expecting this person to get way out of hand (it wouldn't be the first time). His reply was, "why?" and I said "well thats just a decision that we decided to make." he was like "okay." Phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I even thanked him for his calm, cool reaction.
E) The Cherry is yet to come... Alex is spending Saturday nigth with me. I'm totally excited and nervous and the like.
There you have it a rundown of why this week wasn't so bad afterall :-)
A) For the next couple of weeks I have to transport one of my clients to school and back to her foster home because she no longer lives in her school's area. The foster parent goes in the way opposite direction to take another child to school. NOT ONCE did I sleep in. Yep, good stuff. I did however put many many miles on my car this week. Despite the obvious time crunch, I was highly productive.
B) That visitation schedule I was ranting about earlier in the week, which was making me so angry I was ready to just ditch the job? Finished and figured out. It will work. Yeah I have some extra driving to do for the next couple of weeks... but guess what- It'll all be okay.
C) Friday (today) was an absolute beautiful day... Poor client from A) had to deal with me being silly and singing in the car. She was trapped with no where to go. Is it unprofessional to sing with a client in the car?
D) The whipped cream to this week was that I was really stressed and nervous and almost scared to have to share this message to one of my Kinship parents. They could no longer go to the supervised visitations because the interactions between them and the biological parents made both parties uncomfortable/angry. I was expecting this person to get way out of hand (it wouldn't be the first time). His reply was, "why?" and I said "well thats just a decision that we decided to make." he was like "okay." Phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I even thanked him for his calm, cool reaction.
E) The Cherry is yet to come... Alex is spending Saturday nigth with me. I'm totally excited and nervous and the like.
There you have it a rundown of why this week wasn't so bad afterall :-)
Combination of two parts of my life
I'm a triple threat. You got me? Fear me! (I can't believe I just wrote that!... neither can most the people who know me)
Former foster youth
Current foster care case manager
Future foster parent
Just call me the FCF. C for short. I was going to have two separate blogs: one for my case management experiences and the other for my foster parenting experiences.
I think that it would be too much, especially for a loyal readership. Because of my love of google, I'm going to try blogger for awhile. Even though I'm not super crazy about the username. It'll do.
So for the next week or so I'll be copy and pasting my posts from my two blogs and condensing them into here.
Thanks!
Babs
Former foster youth
Current foster care case manager
Future foster parent
Just call me the FCF. C for short. I was going to have two separate blogs: one for my case management experiences and the other for my foster parenting experiences.
I think that it would be too much, especially for a loyal readership. Because of my love of google, I'm going to try blogger for awhile. Even though I'm not super crazy about the username. It'll do.
So for the next week or so I'll be copy and pasting my posts from my two blogs and condensing them into here.
Thanks!
Babs
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