The Last 8 or so months since I've started this position have been a bit blurry. A lot of the mistakes or things that I let slide as a newbie are now catching up to me. I'm seeing how being even a little lazy can affect the family, and the ease of my work in general.
My room-mate suggested that its not laziness as its a lack of polish.
I believe its a little bit of both.
I'm not going to allow myself to feel self-pity or guilt. I'm going to move forward with grace and do the best that I can. In a moment of declaration my Facebook status on 3/22/2010 read, "I'm going to be one of the best damn case managers out there, God please help me and those to whom I serve with a faithful heart. "
I got a lot of replies and encouragement from that status and it really helped to lift me up in my struggle to do my job well.
Obviously the status wasn't a parade to say that I'm going to be better than anyone else. That kind of comment is not my style or my purpose, besides my level of competition is a lousy --15. Even when I played sports as a child, I think that I was more interested in doing the game well than I was interested in winning. I was not athletic, so this did wonders for a sustainable moral. I had a lot of heart tough, and this allowed for me to play with as much tenacity as I could muster. Most of the time, the tenacity hid the lack of athleticism.
I'm learning to desensitize myself to my laziness. I'm slowly becoming more able to make all of my visits, in fact if next week goes well I should be able to make all of them :-). I still have my days, but I'd rather show up super tired than to not show up at all. Its all a part of the process for me. It is definitely different for every person.
I struggle with wanting to save the world, and the foster youth in it. I struggle with wanting to "make it." I don't feel any sense of pride in what I've accomplished in the last 8 months. I usually don't put that sentiment on the things that I do. Yeah graduating college was a huge deal! I'm a part of the 2% club. when I fill out information sheets that ask for my level of education, I can put down: College degree! Its weird not being in limbo anymore: Some college. What kind of answer is that? For four years I've been using that answer.
(My University's diploma is the size of a small shed. No lie. )
Well my proclamation:
God, I know my intentions. You know my intentions. Its hard to live in a world that I'm not a part of. I want more than anything to please you. Help me to be the best case manager I can be. Be with me in this journey. I know that I find grace and forgiveness unconditionally in you, help me find it in myself. Today, help me move forward in my career (funny saying that). I refuse to look back and feel guilty for what I wasn't able to accomplish, so long as I'm moving forward and improving.