Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Triggers (3/4/2010)

We all have them, some remind you of home, such as apple pie or mash potatoes, or even a really good cup of coffee.  Some triggers will remind you of a person; your grandmother, your best friend.  There are those triggers that bring you back to another time, some of those times have left a metally taste in your mouth.
I have used my triggers to give me new perspective on an otherwise negative history.  I'm able to recollect feelings and memories, and they help me sort of freeze frame the memory and look at it from another point of view or understanding.

I had to move a child from their foster home last Wednesday.  Last week I was doing well with work, and emotionally was a little more on top of things.  This week in general has been a nightmare, so emotionally I was a little more tired and less able to fend for my feelings.  This week meant that I was less able to stop myself from triggering.  As I moved the rest of her things last night, and I had to meet with that foster parent one last time (hopefully), I couldn't help but think, "Huh, I wonder if my case managers felt the same hot, frustrated anger and ill-will towards my foster parents."  I ususally have a harder time seeing things from my case managers' point of views.  I'm curious now as to how they might have thought or felt as they were weaving themselves throughout my life.  Or was it the otherway around?  Since its my timeline and my life, I was probably weaving through theirs.  (thats neither here nor there, and well what came first? the chicken or the egg...).

A few days ago, a friend and I were talking about our weeks.  I told her that I thought I did a good job of not projecting my past experiences onto to the foster parents I currently work with.  That I'm able to take them as individuals.  I so badly wanted to yell at this foster parent yesterday.  To storm in and take out all of my past pain onto her.  (Thankfully, I didn't, it would have been more trouble than it was worth).

God, what are you trying to teach me?  Why is this week so hard?  I've had to get up waaaay early all this week, and manage my week around a million of factors.  I had to negotiate this crazy visitation schedule, which is another thing I have to add to my weekly schedule.  This definitely isn't my first tough spell, but its hit me the hardest.  God, I'm torn between thinking that this is normal for a first time job.  Kind of like the normal ebb and flow of working.  All of my friends have hit these spots as we've adjusted to the real work away from Arcadia-land.  God, I ask for grace in all that I do.  Love my clients well, and love them in ways that I cannot at this moment.  Help me discern the best ways to help them, whether it is to hold their hand through the process or being a little more assertive.  God calm my broken spirit.  I thank you for making me in a way that allows me to start each day with a new heart, a new start.  Each day is started pretty much afresh.  Now if only I could make that an hourly thing :-p

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