I started a livejournal, but then things got hectic...
I'm in a state of calm. Things aren't moving forward, and they aren't moving backwards. A calm before a storm perhaps? Yeah, probably...
For a while, I would call Alex (thats the name we chose to call her on Live Journal, for her security) at her foster home, and the conversations just were not as lively as they used to be. Naturally, I thought it was something to do with me. I'd hang up feeling really deflated. Alex and I normally talk really easily, we both have tons to say!
Now our conversations consisted of:
Me: Hey, how are ya? (really excited and glad to talk)
Me: How is school? (yep, I totally know that this is a typical parent question)
Me: sooooo... how are things at home?
yeah, excrutiating right? I'm trying to respect the mini conundrum she's in with her current foster parent and me. We've both expressed interest in providing permanency for Alex. I'm not sure I'll ever go into details about that, in respect for the other foster parent.
Fortunately, I was able to hang out with Alex last Saturday and things were back to normal. When I asked her about it, she said that she was uncomfortable speaking on the phone, because sometimes the other foster parent would be in hearing distance. That made a lot more sense and I was excited to hear that it wasn't my fault and that nothing was seriously wrong :-p
In between the phone calls and our hanging out, I was journalling and thinking about it. I was so ready to get all edgy about it. I was frustrated and worried. But then God gently swooped in and said, "Whoa Nelly! There were times when you were ready to turn back, and not go through with this. Now you have to give Alex the same process." I don't have my journal with me, otherwise I'd quote it word for word. I feel much better now about the process. If God wants Alex in my home and in my care, then it will happen in one way or another.
I deeply care about this girl, and its almost more than just being an older sister. Is it motherly? Our dynamics with each other have not been of the mother daughter type. She's my little sister, whom I love (she'd be totally awkwarded out by that btw...). I'm looking foward to caring and "raising" her. As you can probably tell its still a bit weird for me to talk about myself.
Just another step in whatever directions this could go...