psssssh. I didn't even graduate from college a year ago. I was not thinking of parenting. Yeah now I'm a little more appreciative of little kids since my most recent living arrangements, but they still kind of make me feel incapable, and they know how to push your buttons.
The summer of 2008 was a great summer. I was interning at the Child Welfare Training Program, and I was living at home for once. I felt all grown up and the like. Except for it was the summer of the $4 gallons of gas, and I had a 40 minute commute (totally worth it!). Everyday I had to convince myself that I was not single-handedly bringing the wrath of global warming down onto our great earth. It was like drinking a cool glass of water when those gas prices went down.
Since I was living at home I was connecting or reconnecting with my siblings and family. Once you get to know my family a bit more, you'll understand and probably even sympathize with the disconnect.
My home is with my last foster mother. She's great and I love her very much. She's authoritarian, but I still love her, because I know that in her own way she's got my back. I will fall a lot of times, and she will catch me and then hold on tight while she's scolding me into a respectable adult.
Weird, during that summer I connected well with one of my foster sisters. I loved watching her grow and make something of herself. It was hard to watch the pressures on her life, continually dragging her back down. Imagine a conveyor belt... She's running in the opposite direction, so not only is she fighting the conveyor belt, she's fighting the mechanical arms that are clinging to her and pulling her away from where's headed. She turned 18 and went AWOL, back to a life that might someday kill her. That was our take on the situation then. I haven't heard much from her then, but she's still alive and doing meh... I guess okay.
Later on in the summer, a new girl arrived. Why do I always fall for the deep, complicated souls? We connected well, even though she has a very interesting take on life. I remember us talking about adoption, for some reason she liked me and thought I was cool enough for her trust. She asked me if I would adopt her. I was only going to be a Junior the following fall, and I sheepishly thought, sure we'll think about it. I don't know if she remembers that conversation. I don't even know what I mean to her, am I family? or am I an asset?
Whatever it is, she and I are definitely in for the long haul. I've been praying and discerning over this since August of 2009. (its now february 2010). Should I, a single 23 year old take in this 14 year old, who very kindly is full of spirit? Keep in mind, I don't have a place yet, I'm saving my money for that. Also, I'm an entry wager, so money which is so new to me, is now going to be even tighter than it was while I was growing up!
I'm beyond the point of no return. My pastor said that I would know if this is What God wants, when she's in my home and care. So what is God preparing me for? Read on as I travel down this road. YOu'll get to read my revelations, preparations and meltdowns along the way. You can be a support or even just an eyewitness to absolute craziness.
If you're here to tell me that I can do it, or maybe that I shouldn't... leave your comments to yourself. I'm moving forward with it one way or another. It may not happen, but I'm definitely set on it. I want advice and support on how to make it through this. There's too much I'm banking on for self-doubt (I produce that naturally thank you very much) and step backs. Unless a family magically appears and is a right fit for , I'm going in. Loving her until the end, through the ups and downs.
May the force be with you,
lovingly
Babs
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