Renewed Interest in my Files

I read "Three Little Words," by Ashley Rhodes in one evening.  I could not put it down!  There were hard parts, or parts that I could too easily relate to, when I wanted to put it down, but could not!

It gave me a renewed interest in my files.  Although, I have never heard a succinct description of A) do I even have a right to them, and B) how do I get access to them without all of the red tape?!  I find that this is a concern and struggle for many youth who have been in care.  They want to see their files.  There are a lot of keys in them.

So in my own journey, I'd like to create a resource for other youth/adults who also want to see their files.  A resource that supports them through the journey, but also helps them cope with information that may come out as a result of having access to those files.  This information can be helpful but it can be detrimental too.  That information needs to have respect, because it is powerful.

Even now I hesitate to write about wanting to see my files, because of the power and potential is may have in my life and relationships around me.

Go

I'm as impulsive with my generosity as I am with my cravings.  When someone needs a kidney, my first craving is to give them my spare.  When someone needs a deposit in order to start school in the fall, it is my inclination to give them that step up.  When there's a drought in the horn of Africa, and literally 300,000 people are dying of starvation, I want to go.  I want to raise money.  I want to shed light on the DIRE situation over there.  Even though my history is shoddy, and geographical knowledge is even more shoddy... I want to go.

I'm inspired (careful not to romanticize) to go when other's go, whether its in Philly or in Africa.  I've just spent the last few weeks giving God thanks for giving me a stable opportunity to work on discipline and personal issues.  In a way I'm still in that period of time, but I'm raring to go.  When will I be ready?  When will I feel ready?  When will it be my turn to drop everything and go?

When will I not be afraid of failure?  When will I be able to take ownership of my accomplishments and goals? I have all of these things holding me back that I desperately need and want to finally overcome, but sometimes I want to put those aside and go.

This is how I am feeling right now, it ebbs and flows but I do dream of living overseas and doing some sort of long term missions work.

Pray for the work that I am doing to dismantle years and years of horrible time management.  Its a work that will take many weeks and months.  Pray for longevity in that pursuit, because I don't want it to last just three days anymore.  Pray that I don't let this define who I am, and what I am capable of anymore.  God has instill in me passion and yes, dare I say it, vision.  I have a heart and mind that wants to make things right, and I have the energy and personality to do it.  

I was talking to roomie the other day, and we were talking about how there are starters, and there are finishers.  I have believe and known for a long time that I am definitely a starter.  I'm on my game for the beginning organization and am probably well suited for passing off vision and what I've started to people who are finishers.  How then, do I find my place in the world?

Struggle!

Today was hectic!  I was in training, and I started getting these frantic emails, texts and phone calls!  haha.  The organization I work for was trying to get me to renew my  insurance so that I could continue to work with them.  It brought me back to being a case worker though.  I couldn't even go to an important day of training without emergencies and perceived crisis dragging me away from knowledge!

Afterwards though, as it all resolved itself like it usually does, I thought to myself, "Why did I panic?  Why didn't I go to God with it first?  Wasn't he the one blessed me with this work?  Wouldn't he then take care of me in a way that allowed me to continue with this work?."  I've been really working on a few things, instead of the monster list I usually find myself working on.

Self-Discipline- This really is the bane of my existence and is at the heart of why I struggle with life!  A lot has lead me to struggle very deeply in this area.  With a story like mine, it was easy to fall into a victim roll growing up.  Which lead to using it in high school and college which were key years for getting good independent skills. Since I struggled with assignments and deadlines, there was a certain leniency that let me drift by without many pitfalls.  I was well liked as a student, and excelled in the classroom.

Now, I desperately want to turn things around!  It will take one step at a time.  Soooooo my first step is waking up at the same time every morning, and earlier on days that I have training. Egads!  I'm already nervous about it all.  I already feel anxious about my ability to complete this.  I'm already afraid of failure.  I'm always hopeful, but I also want to succeed so that I can move onto the next task.

Ready?

Its been a long haul, and I've felt like an empty cup.  It has seemed difficult and unattainable.  Like climbing a mountain, I grasped at false starts and clung to a promised hope.

God is helping me be happy with where I am, and he's giving me a period of stability.  In this contentment and stability, I feel ready to wrestle with my faith.  I'm ready to submit to him piece by piece.  I'm still trying to discern if this is for fact or not, but I feel open.  I feel ready.  I as if something has finally clicked and my mind knows how to be open to God's teaching and voice.

Heavenly Father, help my heart be open to change.  Change my heart so I grow into a stronger daughter.