ha! That is definitely how I feel sometimes this year. A lot of doors have opened, and I've done everything to get through them, but they gently close as I realize that now isn't the time or there are other factors.
Especially with this whole thing with Alex. I haven't spoken to her in awhile and she's been pushing people away. It was her choice to discontinue contact. I've respected that with the exception of a letter every month or so. I would like for her to remember that always has someone on her side, no matter what.
It was strange to go from rearranging my whole life to fit in the responsibility of a 14 year old to being a regular 23 year old. There are definitely a lot of blessings that have come from it, but I am left with wondering why. Why have me think through all of these things God? I found my self praying the prayer of Hezekiah:
Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, 3"Remember, O LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes." And Hezekiah wept bitterly. (2 Kings 20)
Hezekiah had just found out that he was going to die very soon. After Hezekiah prayed to God for mercy, God granted him 15 more years of life to put his affairs in order.
I'm by no means set to die, and unlike Hezekiah who knows when that day will arrive, either death or rapture.
With every door that I'm willing to walk through snow, rain, shine or obstacle, I feel my faith growing. Its been awhile since I've been able to say that. I'm excited for what it means for doing my job radically, and its been awhile since I've been able to say that either.
God, I am proud that I have been willing to walk through the doors you have given me. Are you preparing me to walk through your chosen door? To walk through the with mature faith? I'm very excited about the path ahead of me. I still worry about what it may contain, but as I grow I can anticipate that I'll be willing and ready to do the work you set before me. Until that door is opened, I will do my work faithfully and I will honor and shalom-up the community you have placed me in.