Saturday, May 8, 2010

It is hard

After I moved into my last foster home, it was a lot easier for me to forget things and to move on with my life.  That has always been my philosophy, whether I knew how to verbalize it or not.  I just truck on.  I think its because I had zero contact with any of my previous foster families.

Now with the advent of facebook, myspace, and all sorts of social media, I made the mistakes of being friends with those people.  Its harder for me to just let go of the past.  I want to forgive, I really do.  It would be great to be mature and have a sit down conversation or to go visit with them.  I can't because in everything they say about me is going to be this skewed conception of me.  My sister loves inviting some of them in, and I just can't sit there like I used to.  I'm forced to choke down words of remorse and regret.  I was a little too young to have that opportunity.  Now that I'm older though...

Talk about burning bridges.  I'm not usually one for letting people have it.  Although I'm sure it would feel great for about 15 seconds, but then I'd truly be saying something about myself if I let my anger and hurt get the best of me.  These people are trying to be better.  I think that I have to let them, or they'll move on with their lives, with or without my permission and validation.

I wonder if there is room for that conversation though.  Now that I'm an adult and I can verbalize how I feel and what I remember.  I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't be healing.  It was so long ago, that they don't remember it.  I bet.  They either remember it from their point of view (which is human!), or it was just another memory that got erased by a lifetime of other memories.

No one's memory is as important to another person.  What I remember in vivid detail, has been forgotten by another.  Not even on the record.

If I brought it up now, I stand the chance of feeling rejected and unfulfilled by the encounter.  I stand the chance of getting into an unnecessary drama.  Which is not something I need right now.

Would it be healing to me?  Would I figure out who I am?  That is really the question I'm asking in all that I do.  Who am I?  What am I capable of?  What is my highest ability?  Will I know when I get there, or will I always be searching?  Does anyone else feel like this?  I'm learning more and more how human I am, so there has to be other's out there.  I need to look to God for understanding, but I've been searching so long.

I have snippets of who I am, "Babs is too hard on herself," or "Babs is generous."  Its not enough, I want an absolute picture of who I am.  So that I can successfully wear myself on my sleeve.

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