One of the ways I knew

When you are in foster care you think about where you may end up a lot.  You have a fear that you are not unlike the statistics, stigmas and standards of kids in care.  Even though I had a healthy naivete about things, and I also had a "not like them," survival stance, you still wondered.  You knew you were about one mistake away from being a statistic.  No one wants to be status quo.

So when I found myself at Freshmen Orientation at Arcadia University, I knew that I should be very proud of myself.  In fact, I was five days away from spending my first semester in Scotland.  Wait, that's not in any foster kid primer I have read.  This is beyond the line of possibility.  Studying abroad, and seeing another country is what happens to other kids.

This post isn't about what fun Scotland was, its about how I knew I was ready and safe to go.  Would I have  done well without a safety net?  Would I have felt this adventurous without knowing that I had someone to catch me if I fell?  How did I know it was okay for me to go?  Now don't get me wrong, at 18 I wasn't saying to myself, "Now I have permanency,"  I found it in a very typical moment, and after much self-reflection

Arcadia University takes pride in its Freshmen Orientation, so we started with an opening ceremony where parents and students sat and listened to our dean.  I felt a mix of emotions, but I knew that the moment was coming where students and parents would separate for their prospective workshops.  The ceremony ended, and it was time to say goodbye.  I didn't want her to go.  I was nervous about meeting new people, and I knew that this was goodbye for four months.  It was a healthy, "age-appropriate", exciting good bye.  I was sad because I would miss Lisa, and I knew that I would be on my own.

When it was time to go, both of us started tearing up.  haha.  If you know Lisa, you might know that she's not frivolous.  She doesn't waste word, thought or action.  In fact, she probably doesn't even waste a second thought thinking about this moment, because it was what it was.  However, to me, it was another sign that I had hit the jack pot.  When you're a foster kid you don't always want success, you don't always just want to make it.  You want those moments when you and your loved one are both crying because its time to say good bye, even though you know you're going to see each other again in four months, which is great because you don't always get that luxury in care either.  She was sad to see me go. She wanted me to be safe.  She wanted me to succeed, and she cared if I succeeded or failed.  She was proud of me.  I think the important one of those feelings was that she was going to miss me, and that I was not at this momentous occasion alone.

And that is one of the ways I knew :-)

Here we are in 2005!  Freshmen Orientation! (before the tears)

What is a sibling?

In my own family and support structure, I use the term Sibling quite loosely.  It could mean anything from biological to proximity to spiritually (I have a sneaking suspicion that we are all quite related anyway).  I'm quite lucky in that my bio family shares such an open heart for my siblings too.

What is a sibling?

We'll start with good ole Webster:

 1. one of two or more individuals having one common parent.
 2. one of two or more things related by a common tie or characteristic.

Pennsylvania does a good job of allowing families to define themselves.  Families can come in many different shapes and sizes these days, and are usually recognized by child welfare professionals.  What happens with siblings though?  What if siblings have different fathers or mothers?  The definition is not as easily applied to these examples, especially in situations where siblings are in separate placements.

Pennsylvania does not always do a good job of keeping siblings together.  We don't always do a good job of creating permanency and maintaining bonds for them either.  Being in the field, it is VERY difficult to place a sibling group of three into the same foster home but, this does not mean we need to stop looking for one placement resource for this family.  I hear from the Youth Advisory Board loud and clear, that some of the most difficult times being a foster youth come from being separated from their family, and siblings.  When you are used to being someone's playmate 24/7, 1 hour visits, twice a month just are not enough to help deal with the pain of separation.

Solutions?

a) A priority must be made to keep siblings together.
b) We need to recruit Resource families who are able to take in sibling groups.
c) When sibling groups are unable to be placed together, quality and quantity of visitation needs to be considered.  Case workers need to know that the requirement of twice a month visits is simply not enough.

Twice A Month, Is Not Enough! (Let's here the rally cry!)


Why is your sibling important to you?  What is is about the bound between siblings?

Stuff Social Workers Like edition: Smelling like someone else's dinner.

Usually, I walk out of my foster homes pretty unscathed.  Today though, brought on another one of my fab faves about my job.

Now, one might usually find this phenomenon in the college cafeteria, or walking past The Chat, at Arcadia University. 

I'm talking about the fried chicken smell that attaches itself securely to whatever you happen to be wearing that day.  Tee Shirt?  Jeans?  Wool jacket?  Buisness attire?

It smells great wafting from a foster parent's kitchen, and you're starving because its 6:30pm, and you haven't left "work" yet.  I've had parents offer me food, and the professional thing is to politely decline.  It would just open up a whole power dichotomy that could make things a little more difficult.

So I decline.

Once that scrumptious fried chicken smell leaves that kitchen though.  Ick!  Nothing like stale fried chicken smell on your wool coat.